First Swallow-Savy Guard: Who goes there?
King Arthur: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all Englan!
First Swallow-Savy Guard: Pull the other one!
King Arthur: I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the lenght and breadth of the land in search of Knights who will join in my court in Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
First Swallow-Savy Guard: What? Ridden a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
First Swallow-Savy Guard: You're using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
First Swallow-Savy Guards: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
King Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snow of winter covered this land, through the Kingdom of Mercia, through...
First Swallow-Savy Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur: We found them.
First Swallow-Savy Guard: Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur: What do you mean?
First Swallow-Savy Guard: Well, this is a temperate zone.
King Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our lan?
First Swallow-Savy Guard: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur: Not at all.They could be carried.
First Swallow-Savy Guard: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur: It could grip it by the husk!
First Swallow-Savy Guard: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
First Swallow-Savy Guard: Listen. In order to maintein air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat is wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur: Please!
First Swallow-Savy Guard: Am I right?
King Arthur: I am not interested!
Second Swallow-Savy Guard: It could be carried by a African swallow.
King Arthur: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?
First Swallow-Savy Guard: Oh, yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
Second Swallow-Savy Guard: But then African's swallow not migratory...
King of Swamp Castle: Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who.
Large Man with a Dead body: Who's that then?
The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with a Dead body: Why?
The Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.
Prince Herbert: But mother,
King of Swamp Castle: Father, I'm a father.
Prince Herbert: But father...
King Arthur: Old woman.
Dennis: Man.
King Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37.
King Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
King Arthur: Well I can't just call you "man".
Dennis: Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out did you?
King Arthur: I did say sorry about the "old woman", but behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur: Well I am a King.
Dennis: Oh, King eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.
Dennis: Listen, stranger women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from farcical aquatic ceremony.
King of Swamp Castle: One day, lad, all this will be yours. [points to the window]
Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?
King of Swamp Castle: No, not the curtains, lad, all that you can see streched out over the valleys and the hills! That'll be your kingdom, lad.
King of Swamp Castle: You only killed the bride's father, you know.
Sir Lancelot: Well, I didn't mean to.
King of Swamp Castle: Didn't mean to? You put your sword righ through his head.
Sir Lancelot: Oh dear... is he all right?
Woman: Oh, How do you do?
King Arthur: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?
Woman: King of the who?
King Arthur: King of the Britons.
Woman: Who are the Britons?
King Arthur: Well, we all are. We are all Britons. And I am your King.
Woman: I didn't know we had a King. I thought we were autonomous collective.
Dennis: You're foolin' yourself! We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpatuating in which thw working class...
Woman: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
Dennis: Well, that's what it's all about! If only people would...
King Arthur: Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that Castle?
Woman: No one lives there.
King Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We don't have a lord.
Dennis: I told you, we're an anarco-sydicalist commune. We take it in turns to be a sort of executive officer for the week...
King Arthur: Yes.
Dennis: ... but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
King Arthur: Yes I see...
Dennis:...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...
King Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis:... but a two thirds majority in the case of...
King Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
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